Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Twenty Highly Ineffective Habits Of Mostly Ineffectual Persons


1. Upon waking, using a prescriptive method to get out of bed, to stretch, and ladle dreams back where they belong, and then to say a loud, “And, in the middle, there were none. So, wake me up, fucker, before you go-go.”
2. Saving quarters for laundry on the top ledge of a chest-high bookshelf, so that said quarters get knocked around a bunch because keys and wallet and other accoutrements are also tossed there for storage, and so that some quarters perforce take nosedives and become lodged in strange places between things on the floor.
3. Labeling thoughts as either “Out Of Order” “Gone Sunday Driving” or “Furthering Conclusions Never Reached” (If one is alone too often, or more so than most, it would be best to forget about this one. It doesn’t work.) 
4. Writing down a “Plan Of Action” every morning for what lies ahead, daily.
5. Never crossing off anything that has been written on a list.
6. Stocking up on gum. Chewing said gum quietly, softly, with mouth closed. Deposing of chewed gum in wads of junk mail where it stays in exile, awaiting either execution by fire (done with matchsticks, of course, in the bathtub) or a pauper’s grave burial in a brown grocery bag.
7. Imbibing coffee in the afternoon, vodka in the evening, and Benadryl spiked with codeine after midnight.
8. Cursing at oneself while blowing hot air on cold hands.
9. Hating gerunds but still using them all the time.
10. Listening to the same song over and over until it loses all emotional meaning, and then listening to it some more.
11. Avoidance of repetition at all times, i.e., “I am not a bus. Do not ever call me Ishmael, or any of that Holden Caulfield kind of crap.”
12. Constantly in the midst of the obfuscation of one’s inner life so that it might appear inchoate and muddy to others.
13. Using just a small dollop of toothpaste three-four times daily.
14. “Learn how to fucking type, you moron!” (This, screamed at oneself on multiple occasions during the day’s course, is par for most of these courses.)
15. Sleeping on a threadbare mattress on the floor, wanting to be classified, wishing to be stereotyped, yearning to be a statistic.
16. Conscripting ideas to go along with the murdering of tiny winged insects while muttering, “All genius is bullshit.”
17. Attaining the optimal level of guilt to make magic not happen, perhaps by stubbing one’s toe, spelling pretty much everything wrong, mispronouncing one’s own name, or just thinking, ‘Nobody left to take in the mail.’
18. “John Lennon was an asshole.” (This, being said to strangers at odd times, goes without saying, of course.)
19. Living in a coffee cup, sleeping in a derby, kissing bottles, rooting for the away team, getting bored, using a lot of hand soap, returning all of one’s sentiments to the cheap seats-- and all of these things to not live by or do too much of. 
20. No calendars. No gloves. No socks. Shiver with bad luck. Pull out some hair. Don’t shower. Don’t eat. There you go. That’s it! You’ve done it! Now, see how well and proud you feel? Isn’t it wonderful?