Friday, July 9, 2010

my grammatical sentiments exactly

a: All of my favorite memories are photo-shopped.

b: That’s not as passive nor as aggressive as I thought it was going to be.

a: Thanks. Thanks a lot. Really. I mean it.

b: You’re not being sarcastic.

a: That’s what you say.

b: My interpretation of the given language at any given time, attuned to my ear’s way of hearing, my own delicate perceptual delight, while considering a residual factor of…

a: Shut the front door already.

b: I know what you meant.

a: My meaning was got.

b: Yep. I get what was implied.

a: What I inferred.

b: No. What you implied. The inferring was left to me.

a: Oh. What about my inference of my own implications?

b: Oh. Those.

a: Yep. Those. “I’ll know my song well before I start singing.”

b: Those aren’t your words.

a: They’re not? But I said them.

b: But you were quoting them. Bob Dylan said them.

a: Sang them.

b: Wrote them.

a: So. So what? What does that matter? I, just now, said them, therefore they are my words. Words that I’ve spoken.

b: But not in your own words.

a: How can somebody own words?

b: A writer owns his/her/its books, right? He/she/it's got a copyright. They are his/her/its words.

a: But we all borrow. There are only so many words.

b: An infinite set of connections. An illimitable supply of ammunition for making sentences.

a: What about completing one of those?

b: My sentences need not objects. A subject shall do. My kingdom for a…

a: Stop. That was going to be dumb.

b: What?

a: I could tell. I know about such things. I have good editorial instincts.

b: Pansy.

a: That’s what you say.

b: My word.

a: You’d really want that to be “your word”?

b: I’d lease it, with an option to buy.

a: Your instincts for comedy are less than stellar.

b: I quip better than most.

a: Quip off.

b: I’ve won a few.

a: I know what you mean.

b: Where was the emphasis there? Which word?

a: Couldn’t decipher my saying? Semantically speaking, of course.

b: Your saying. What you’re saying. Semantically. I don’t know what you mean when you say, “I know what you mean.”

a: My saying.

b: As far as saying goes.

a: How far?

b: Not so far that I don’t think I’ll be able to catch it.

a: That was horrible.

b: Can’t resist bad jokes. They make life more funner.

a: Funny. Anyway. My emphasis in this particular case, in this context, which for some reason you could not catch the drift of, even though we are speaking aloud, out loud, and therefore it should be easy for you to understand where the putting of my stress was, on which word or words, but for some reason you have failed in this venture…

b: Venture?

a: Yes. So. I will put some quality italicizing in there for you. Some top-of-the-line font change. Some…

b: Got it.

a: Good. So. Here goes no thing.


a: Ahem. “I know what you mean.”

b: That can’t be right.

a: Why not?

b: It doesn’t make sense.

a: It does to me.

b: Not in the context in to which it was put.

a: Who are you? Winston Churchill?

b: You got it. You know what I mean.

a: Wait. Gosh flame it. What do you mean?

b: I know not “means,” fine sir.

a: You mean “seems.”

b: I know what I mean.

a: That makes one of us.

b: Are we not two?

a: Not in the making of sense.

b: A penny for your…

a: Don’t make me slap you.

b: I couldn’t make you. You have your own volition. I do not control your actions. Ever hear about this thing called Free Will? You’re kind of born with it.

a: I’m a determinist. Or at least I’m determined to try and be one.

b: Cause and effect. I am the cause but you control the effect.

a: But if I lose control? Am I then to blame?

b: You mean if your actions are not your own? Whose would they be?

a: God’s?

b: Bullhunky. Don’t believe he exists anymore.

a: Whom are we supposed to pray to then?

b: Country.

a: Like Waylon Jennings?

b: No. I’m still mad at him about the whole Buddy-Holly-Plane-Crash thing.

a: Give the guy a break.

b: I’m giving him a Thumb’s Up on the inside.

a: That I understand.

b: Wait. Did you say, “That I UNDERstand,” or “THAT i underSTAND,”?

a: A lowercase i? Really? Wow. Now you’re playing dirty.

b: Down and dirty, like my grandma used to say. The only way to play.

a: I bet.

b: I will not stand for this defamation of my dear grandmother’s reputation. This objurgation of my sweet lovely grandma’s character. This sullying…

a: Will you sit for it?

b: I’d lie down for it.

a: Thank god you didn’t say “lay.”

b: Thank who?

a: Whom.

b: Waylon Jennings.

a: Oh.

b: What? Now I’m confused.

a: Confounded by the natural order of things.

b: Words. Words. Words.

a: Word.

b: Just like my grandmommy used to say.

a: Really? Grandmommy?

b: Would you prefer “Nana”?

a: Where was that question mark?

b: Outside the quotes.

a: Is that correct?

b: In this instance, yes, it was especially apt.

a: I’m not sure about this “Nana” business. That’s more of a cognomen really. An appellation.

b: A ghost.

a: Did I stutter?

b: Calgon. Take me away.

a: You might need a little copyright symbol there.

b: Nah. I don’t believe in them.

a: So. No god. No ownership. You a damn pinko?

b: I don’t believe in the masses. I’m more of a soloist by nature.

a: You’ve got to be strong to make a go of it alone.

b: Sure do. You’re going to get sued for that one, by the way.

a: Let him try. When you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to…

b: Aha! See? Stopped cold in his tracks with another man’s words.

a: Mule shit!

b: Basically.

a: Poor wretches who we are. Stranded here with a pocketful of ungranted wishes.

b: Basically.

a: You said that.

b: Basically.

a: Say it once, why say it again?

b: Because.

a: Good answer.

b: Thanks.

a: What? Was that sarcastic?

b: No. Ironic.

a: Oh. That figures. Irony is always lost on me. I do enjoy me some good pleonasm now and again though.

b: Mao and a gimp?

a: No. The chairman walked without a limp, as far as I know.

b: As far as you know.

a: Yes.

b: That far.

a: Yes. Any further than that, I don’t know.

b: How could you?

a: Don’t know.

b: Are we through yet?

a: Threw? I haven’t thrown anything.

b: Tossed something perhaps?

a: Perhaps?

b: Oh shit. That’s my phone. Sorry. I’ve got to take this.

a: No problem.

b: Hello. 911 emergency and rescue. Please state your name, address, and emergency situation.